i should be but i never

I always blog here and try to memorise myself to be a heartless person,to be cruel,to be self-centre,arrogant just like my cousin sister and wanted to be worst than her to let my own feel self-protect but i never can do so.I always being hurt no reasonably.To sad to feel hurt,tiring with those kind of feelings.No one knows better than i am and no one care about how do i really feel.Everyone always thought that i'm kind to let them hurt but i did not sound any.
That day on the celebration of the 15th of chinese new year,my cousin sister comment me badly in front of my parents.This i know newly.Just because i share something that the uncle and aunt of my cousins ex-neighbour on their guessing my real age,my cousin sister says that i'm arrogant just because of that.I really don't understand how do she really think.I seems like no rights to share out what others says before this.I seems like only a vase for her.I cannot have any movement,no rights to speak but kept quiet all the while.Seems like every steps i move to is a wrong step.
Mostly people likely to comment me bad but i do nothing to them.I not really understand how can i perform good in front of others so that comment will not be that bad.But no matter how well i perform,all those comment still that bad.Hurt badly.And my parents take those comment seriously,keep on lecturing me hardly.All those morals values i have had mastered well since i'm below lower secondary.I understand and i had try to do my best but my parents seems not trusting on me.Yet they still believe that i'm those kind of people.
Sometimes i really likely to blame the strict moral education of my parents.I think too deep like a man that so i won't goes wrong.Just because of those morals education,i'm different from the others children.I always try to keep good name of me and family.I'm always hesitate and becomes a person that is not as a care free child that every children should be.Scare to goes wrong.
I really admire others children that care free to do whatever they want and they like without cares about getting scold from the elder or older one's.
Just because of those comment,i wanted to be a bad children or a person of the world,so that it is fair to me.I trying my best to be a bad person of this wolrd but i never.